The Scribbly One

Mother: (having let a finger linger on one of the keys in the midst of typing, resulting in multiple appearances of a single letter on monitor screen) “What do I do now?”

Me: “You backspace.”

Mother: “How?”

Me: “You press the key labelled ‘Backspace’.”

Me: “OK, now ‘Enter’.”

Mother: (presses spacebar)

Me: “No, not the spacebar! Enter!”

Mother: (third time exiting e-mail program) “I’ve finished. How do I get out?”

Me: “Click ‘Sign out’.”

Mother: “Where?”

Me: “The same place it’s always been.”

Mother: (searches the screen, clueless)

Me: (taking pity on mother) “At the top of the screen!”

Me: (teaching mother to disconnect from dial-up line) “See the picture of two computers down there at the bottom of the screen? Click them.”

Mother: “Those are two computers? They look like goblets to me.”

Father: “You think not getting enough sleep will make you lose weight?”

Me: “Doesn’t it?”

Father: “Getting less sleep won’t make you lose weight, it’ll make you go insane! Sleep has nothing to do with the body and everything to do with the brain!”

Me: “That might explain some things…”

Writer friend: “How do you respond when someone tells you they need a dictionary in order to read your work?”

Me: “You tell them you’re sorry for them because their education has been so sorely neglected, but that it’s never too late to stop being lazy about learning.”

Business will flourish and profit more as individuals take a closer look at the world around them and not only discover what’s important but also discover their identity. Then we won’t be at a job just because we have a degree in this or to make money from that, but because we understand the things that make us come alive and can incorporate those into the market. Some have found this, or at least want to believe they have, while others are hopefully still discovering.

Deep stuff.

Friend: “You’re a good female Charlie Brown.”

Me: “Thank you for saying I’m a doormat!”

Friend: “Hey, I said no such thing!”

Me: “Charlie Brown is a doormat. People walk all over him and abuse him all the time!”

Friend: “Charlie Brown is an idealist. He’s a good boy who believes the best of people; he’s sincere, genuine and full of hope. And he has a great dog. The comparison was never intended to be taken that far.”

Me : “I don’t have a dog, and I don’t like dogs.”

I had another “I wish I’d thought of that!” moment today. I chanced upon this site and fell in love with its tagline:

Pesky’apostrophe: Always better than an unexpected period

So much better than “Scribbler’s Scribbled Scribblings”. Bah!

“You must learn to cook! How are you going to cook for your husband when you’re married?!” my mother used to say.

I used to tell her that would learn when I had to. After all, how difficult can it be to follow a recipe? I wish I had thought to say this:

I really don’t see WHY I should inflict my terrible cooking skills on the world just cause I have a vagina. Do my breasts hold the goddamn skillet? Fucking NO. It’s probably easier on me to make babies than pancakes.

Good on ya, Lainie. I have to add, I’m sure making babies is also a lot more pleasurable than making pancakes.