The Scribbly One

I have this instrumental CD which claims to contain the “most wanted all-time favourite classic music”. One of the tracks contains the “Happy Birthday” song - I suppose because that song is a classic.

What I want to know is, why am I hearing the Mandarin lyrics in my head every time that song plays? I have never even sung “Happy Birthday” to anyone in Mandarin before! Bizarre.

I was hanging around Kinokuniya again. Is it possible to marry a bookstore? - Lainie

I only wish! lol

The BM subtitles on local television can really suck sometimes. But even when no translation is required, they still manage to get it wrong: on the American Idol results show tonight, Carrie Underwood’s song was labelled “Jesus Take the Will”.

Obviously, the people who write subtitles for Malaysian tv need to get out more and stop living in their own little world.

Mother: (having let a finger linger on one of the keys in the midst of typing, resulting in multiple appearances of a single letter on monitor screen) “What do I do now?”

Me: “You backspace.”

Mother: “How?”

Me: “You press the key labelled ‘Backspace’.”

Me: “OK, now ‘Enter’.”

Mother: (presses spacebar)

Me: “No, not the spacebar! Enter!”

Mother: (third time exiting e-mail program) “I’ve finished. How do I get out?”

Me: “Click ‘Sign out’.”

Mother: “Where?”

Me: “The same place it’s always been.”

Mother: (searches the screen, clueless)

Me: (taking pity on mother) “At the top of the screen!”

Me: (teaching mother to disconnect from dial-up line) “See the picture of two computers down there at the bottom of the screen? Click them.”

Mother: “Those are two computers? They look like goblets to me.”

Father: “You think not getting enough sleep will make you lose weight?”

Me: “Doesn’t it?”

Father: “Getting less sleep won’t make you lose weight, it’ll make you go insane! Sleep has nothing to do with the body and everything to do with the brain!”

Me: “That might explain some things…”

Writer friend: “How do you respond when someone tells you they need a dictionary in order to read your work?”

Me: “You tell them you’re sorry for them because their education has been so sorely neglected, but that it’s never too late to stop being lazy about learning.”

“You must learn to cook! How are you going to cook for your husband when you’re married?!” my mother used to say.

I used to tell her that would learn when I had to. After all, how difficult can it be to follow a recipe? I wish I had thought to say this:

I really don’t see WHY I should inflict my terrible cooking skills on the world just cause I have a vagina. Do my breasts hold the goddamn skillet? Fucking NO. It’s probably easier on me to make babies than pancakes.

Good on ya, Lainie. I have to add, I’m sure making babies is also a lot more pleasurable than making pancakes.